I went out of town this past weekend to visit one of my best friends. When I go visit her, it helps me regain my center and remember what it is I want. My friend is amazingly upbeat despite a lot of challenges with her health, and her optimism is contagious.You guys have been noticing probably that I don't write as much as I used to. For the better part of 6 months I wrote a post nearly every day. Lately I've been busy with rotations but lots of other things have been going on.
I turned 25 and plunged headlong into what I playfully call a "quarter life crisis," but really there was nothing fun about it. It wasn't just my birthday, a lot of this stuff has been going on for a while but it just seemed to intensify. I've been so desperately busy for the last few years after I finished my board exams I finally got a chance to re-examine my life. What I came up with wasn't good. I didn't know if I wanted to be a doctor anymore. I didn't know where I should head with my life, or what any of it means. I didn't know if I wanted to have a family ever. I didn't know what it meant to be a woman, a medical student, an American, an environmentalist, or any other label I'd applied to myself. I didn't even know how I fit into my existing family anymore. I didn't know what the best way to do with my time here on earth would be or if it was worth doing anything at all.
It was so overwhelming and paralyzing... I was totally completely freaking lost.
This weekend reminded me I used to be a lot more fun and spontaneous than I've let myself be in a while. Somewhere between singing back up to my friend's rendition of Aretha Franklin's Respect, and having long conversations with my mom on my 6 hour drive back, I realized at least one thing I want. I want to be normal and stop trying to take things to the extreme. I think the tone and content of my blog along with my life has gotten ridiculous especially culminating with the plan to give up toilet paper, which is totally impractical in my current circumstances. I guess I realized it's good to strive for more responsible consumerism but trying to live totally against the system just isn't making my life easy or practical or happy.
For instance I'd been carpooling to the hospital everyday to save gas. I'm really grateful I had the friends to carpool with, but I like to be quiet in the car most of the time when I'm with myself. Especially in the mornings I like quiet to get focused for my day. My carpool mates are awesome but they are just livelier folks in the AM. The loud music and charged conversation just grated on my already fragile nerves to the point where I was grumpy everyday which wasn't fair to anyone. Part of me thinks geez lots of people don't have cars what's the big deal, get over a little music in the morning, but I couldn't.
I admire many other bloggers for their austerity. It seems like everyone is giving something up and gaining great insight in the process. I keep feeling like I need to do the same. The more I got into living sustainably, the more I viewed everything through those same lens of austerity and found myself feeling bad about buying things like hair gel. If you look at it from a sustainability standpoint it's a totally frivolous item that is filled with petroleum based products and comes in a plastic container that was also made from oil. If you look at it from a everyday standpoint my hair is poofy and looks a lot better with a little gel.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think individual raging against the machine is being taken to an extreme and isn't making a dent in the problem of climate change. Instead it's alienating us from the mainstream and making us a overly self-righteous fringe group. Lots more people care about their CO2 emissions now and that's great but last time I checked we haven't even put a dent in climate change by giving up hair gel or air-conditioning or driving. There is going to have to be intervention from government for this problem to get significantly better and I don't see that happening anytime soon here in the States.
Until that happens why are we making our lives so hard for no reason? Is it to give ourselves the illusion that because we are inconveniencing ourselves so much and causing ourselves so much hassle it must be affecting something? We need to be living smarter instead of harder.
Crunchy Chicken mentioned recently there are people in Dallas giving up AC to live more sustainably. Guys it was 104 F here today. The few people crazy enough not to run their AC are not cutting the net global CO2 enough to make a difference. Why not get people to responsibly run your AC with clean energy? That should be the challenge, to switch to clean energy. My point is giving things up isn't necessarily the answer. Why has that become such a big goal in the eco blogosphere? Just because something is convenient doesn't make it bad.
So after all that reflection, I'm slowly remembering who I am. I'm a person that wants to be doctor and an environmentalist. I still want to get married and have family (regardless of the fact that having kids will increase my CO2 impact) just like I always did before I fell into an abyss of self-doubt these past trying months. But I am also a person that thinks we are here for such a short time I plan on having some fun and being a little reckless. Even if that means unapologetically buying toilet paper and hair gel, not always eating food locally grown and in season, and yes driving a car. When somebody comes out with a better solution I'd gladly opt it but until then what's the point?
10 comments:
Enjoy the beauty in life. Love yourself and let that love spill over onto the people that you love.
Embrace toilet paper, gel that gorgeous hair. Kiss a few baby toes. :-)
We can do things in moderation to make our world a better place.
I agree that going to the extreme in any area of our lives is not healthy.
Life is precious and should be enjoyed.
Suffocating and dying in a hot Dallas apartment or house is suicide. It happens often in Houston!
Words of wisdom from the mom
"Patience comes to those who wait" LOL
ah yes the timeless quotes of wisdom
This is something that's been on my mind lately as well. I read lots about people who feel that asceticism is the best environmentalism. And maybe it is, but I don't think it leads to the best life.
For me, it's all about trade-offs and figuring out what's actually important to me. It turns out that I do really value toilet paper, so I'm happy to use it even though there is some environmental impact. On the other hand, I don't really like driving so that's something I can cut back on without impacting my quality of life.
Don't forget that your happiness with a more sustainable lifestyle is the best advertisement there is for making changes! If it's not making you happy, you'll convince other people that environmentalism is asceticism.
So really, keeping yourself happy is less selfish and more selfless. :)
This can't be the most unpopular post because I can't believe everyone who reads this blog hasn't struggled with your same worries and questions.
I try very hard to lead a sustainable life, and more often than not, I feel guilty for not doing a better job of it. Unfortunately, there are certain things that I can't get by without, especially in the community I live in (Dallas, actually). Now that I'm making a move to North Carolina, I can plan to go car-less (hopefully) and buy more locally because there are actually local farms to buy from! But for the last year, I've just made sure that I've done what I can without making myself (and my own Mr. Boyfriend) unhappy.
I wish you all the luck and thank you for sharing your thoughts on all of this.
You have a smart mama. :)
Will and I believe that the key is finding balance and leading through positive example. We do plenty of things that are not environmentally sustainable but sustain us personally.
I think there is a point in living extremely and that is to give people an example of how it is possible. I think the extremists help come up with creative new solutions and alternatives. Some of them will trickle to the mainstream or even the counterculture mainstream, but most of them won't.
But there are lots of other ways to advance towards sustainability. I believe personal efforts are important and they don't have to be extreme. I believe the key is to be aware and to be striving to live well. It doesn't mean striving to be perfect or beating ourselves up for not achieving eco-enlightenment.
I think what I'm trying to say is that there is a middle ground where you can choose the parts of your life where you want to be a little eco-extreme and also fully accept that there are other parts of life where it's best just to go with the modern flow.
I just think it's important not to say "Ugh, it's too hard and it's crazy to be extremist so we should just wait for the government to do something because that's the only thing that will make a change!" The government isn't going to do anything unless individual people are pushing for it and I think there are a lot of changes that need to happen from the ground up. So I believe it's important to keep making an effort in some way; it just doesn't have to be extreme and it shouldn't be disheartening. Pick a tiny little piece to work on that feels fulfilling without making you stressed out. Maybe your role is to become aware of all the craziness so that when you're officially Full-Blown Doc Green you can be a key player in greening the medical industry. Sure, we don't want to sacrifice quality but certainly there are ways the industry could reduce office paper usage. Our local hospital just switched all its carry-out cafeteria containers to biodegradable materials (instead of styrofoam) and is looking into how to get more organic and fresh foods into the system.
Or maybe your role will be simply to have a family that's a wee bit greener than average, to help educate the folks around you about some tiny changes that really aren't hard to make. It doesn't have to be extreme to make a difference.
And we'll always back you up because you have an awesome heart and are already making a difference.
You have to find what works for you. We haven't given up A/C because where we live has humidity and often air quality issues. However, we set it at 80-82 which means it comes on just enough to keep stuff from mildewing and is comfortable but not excessively cold.
BTW, we have no intentions of giving up toliet paper or the new children's books that we get through a state program. I hang up my clothes to dry because 1) it keeps my kitchen much cooler and 2) I enjoy it especially when my toddler helps. Heck, even No Impact Man says he won't give up his clothes washing machine.
Cutting waste and unnecessary consumption will go a long way to helping the environment.
By all means kiss lots of baby toes and have one youself (if you really want to be a parent). Children give one a really big reason to care about the environment and the world in general.
Don't tell the die hards but I really enjoy my collection of photos and use the plastic pocket albums because they are easy to use and protect my photos from small sticky fingers.
--Ave
Will, I like the way you think!
Margaret, sorry to hear we're losing you from the metroplex but NC is hella beautiful. Thanks for the reassurance and it's good to know keeping the mr. bf happy is a priority for others as well.
Maggie, I really really liked how you said to pick an area and try and focus on that. I think that might help make the whole notion of going green more manageable so that it doesn't seem so terribly overwhelming. Just today I was thinking about how to make the med industry more green... there is soooo much needed improvement.
Ave, you're secret is safe with me. ;-) Sigh, I can't wait till I get to see actual baby toes on my pediatrics rotation. I miss getting to pal around with kids.
SDG - I've said this before and I'll say it again...the earth's not worth saving if you can't have any fun on it! You're doing what you love, even if you have your doubts, and I am confident that you are already making a huge difference in the world around you!
Hang in there -
megan
Dude, let me let you in on a little secret. I have been driving to work every day for about two weeks. Why? Because I am freaking exhausted and stressed out. You are in med school!! It's suuuuuper hot. Cut yourself some slack.
Repeat after me, SDG. If it's making you miserable, it's not sustainable!
Do what you can, and then let go, have a beer, do your hair, and relax. I think you are exactly right when you say you want to strive for responsible consumerism. Sometimes the internets start to feel like a contest ... who can be greener! But ... it's not a contest. Do what you can, and then don't waste time beating yourself up.
When I first decided to live a greener lifestyle, I thought it had to be all or nothing. It does drive one insane using this strategy. I was becoming a enviro freak and drove my family nuts. I have learned that there has to be a balance. Now, I focus on my main issues (mostly recycling and less packaging). I still hate plastic.
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